"You don't realize how terrible evil is until you encounter it, but even the most twisted, desolate evils we face still bow down at the throne of the Almighty."
When we were children, we couldn't fully comprehend evil or adversity. These concepts were something we had to learn. From school, we may have learned that cheating is bad or how mean bullies can really be. From our parents, we may have learned about more complicated evils—you know, the stuff you talk about at home. We may never actually experience the bad scenarios we learned as a child, but nevertheless, most of us can spot good from bad and wins from losses.
But it's different knowing something is dark and actually experiencing the darkness.
You don't really know how truly wicked something is until you're drenched in it. You can learn about it, hear it on the news, or read about it on your newsfeed, but until you're looking Evil right in the eye, you don't really know him. At some point in all of our lives, we're going to meet difficulty, and we probably aren't going to know what to do. (They don't teach you how to deal with cancer in school.) It's isolating when that happens. It's soul-sucking.
I never felt more empty and unreachable than when I was going through my diagnosis. An evil like cancer can suck all the joy out of you. I've never faced an evil like it.
After having dinner with my friend Bea one evening, I drove home listening to worship music. This was around the time my doctor scheduled me for more tests to figure out what the heck was going on with my body. Once I got to my garage and parked, I took a moment to pray, but I struggled with what to say. I didn't have the words to explain how I felt or how I wanted God to fix my problem. This was all foreign to me. I've been a relatively healthy person my whole life. I watched people I love battle cancer, but I had no clue what it was like. All I knew was that cancer sucked. So, I just wept and said something to the effect of, "Just take it away, God." His answer was so profound.
"I'm right here with you," the Father said.
And I felt Him, right there in my car with me. A wave of peace fell over me. I didn't know what was ahead or what having cancer was really like, but dang it, I knew the Lord of Lords and King of Kings was right there with me, walking beside me as I faced this evil.
Joshua 1:9 puts it this way:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
One of my favorite images in the Bible is in the first chapter of the Book of Revelation. John, the author of the book, describes meeting with Jesus, who at this time had returned to Heaven. He described Jesus coated with glory and noted He held seven stars in His right hand. He went on to say that Jesus placed His other hand on his shoulder. In one hand, Jesus is holding a collection of stars, and the other is resting on a mortal man's shoulder to comfort him. What an image. The Creator of the Universe is willing to come down to Earth and place His hand on our shoulders, all the while holding up the stars.
One of the scariest ways my cancer has manifested itself is through my racing heartbeat. For months now, my heartbeat has averaged 120-140 bpm. I'm no medical professional, but that's a bit too high for a gal who has never had heart problems. It scared the chemotherapy nurses so much during my first treatment that they were hesitant to move forward. Come to find out, because my cancer had spread to my both sides of my diaphragm, the pressure caused my heartbeat to be elevated.
Remember how I said God told me he was right there with me at the beginning of this journey? He still hasn't left. At my last treatment, the highest my heartbeat measured was 105 bpm. Take that, cancer. You don't realize how terrible evil is until you encounter it, but even the most twisted, desolate evils we face still bow down at the throne of the Almighty.
My incredible friend Hakela once texted me: "Trust yourself and God that tomorrow will be a little better." I keep that quote on a sticky note on my desk at work because I have to remind myself that's all I can do, really, when face-to-face with evil: Believe in myself and cling on to the unfailing, unchanging companionship of God.
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