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The "C" Word

"Faith doesn't create an absence of reality; It creates an absence of fear."

Let's state the obvious: Cancer is scary. It's a sophisticated, vile disease, and one of its most lethal tactics is stealth. Having night sweats, fatigue, or forming a rash could be symptoms of dozens or even hundreds of illnesses. Having swollen lymph nodes could mean you just have a cold or sinus infection. Or it could mean you have cancer. But we don't immediately assume we have cancer when we feel sick or off, and, typically, neither do our doctors. Cancer is considered an extreme, but not just because of probability. The thought of having cancer is so jarring that even the consideration triggers incredible anxiety and fear, so we avoid it. We don't want to think or talk about it out of dread, and trust me, I get it.


Cancer is akin to Lord Voldemort: evil, powerful, ugly as sin, aggravating, and motivated by a desire to overthrow. And just like how the characters in Harry Potter were scared to speak Lord Voldemort's name, we are scared to talk about cancer. But by doing that, we're only giving it more power.


Whenever I was undergoing testing and initially learned they found cancerous structures in my cells, I didn't tell anyone. I found out on a Friday and did not tell a soul the whole weekend, with the exception of Brandon. I couldn't hide it from him. I remember that Saturday I had the day to myself to do whatever I wanted, but I didn't want anyone to pick up that I wasn't okay. So, I decided to spend the day shopping (my preferred coping mechanism) by myself, but about an hour in, I realized being alone only fueled my anxiety. I called friends to see if they wanted to join, but everyone was busy. It was one of the loneliest days of my life.


Faith is powerful. In Mark 11:23, Jesus teaches us that our faith can move mountains. But how can we tell the mountain to move if we aren't willing to call it a mountain? How are we supposed to ask God to cure an illness or rescue us from financial insecurity or deliver us from addiction or end a cycle of mental illness or soften the hearts of our enemies if we aren't willing to say the name of our affliction? Faith doesn't create an absence of reality; It creates an absence of fear.


Once I shared the news with others and truly welcomed God's will and intervention, I began to see my mountain move, but it required me to talk about cancer. It required me to say my adversary's name: Hodgkin Lymphoma. (Am I a Gryffindor now?!)


It's funny: I can write about my struggle with cancer, but I still can barely talk about it and we're eight months into this thing. But now my resistance to speak about cancer isn't out of fear; It's because of an outpouring of emotion when recalling what God has brought me through. By being willing to talk about our struggleto say its namewe take back power and control of our story. So say the scary wordscancer, death, debt, addiction, failure, depression—because one day God will replace your fear with overwhelming joy.


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